Illustration, Noun

White Wail – Illustrated!

Political conservatives' obsessive whining over their misperceived persecution and victimization at the hands of multiculturalism, economic equality, and public wellbeing.

Political conservatives’ psychotic obsession with their misperceived persecution and victimization at the hands of multiculturalism, economic equality, and public wellbeing.

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE WORRIED FLIPPERS!!! He’s so scared some foreign whale is going to come and upend his undeserved, inherited dominance over the ocean. With his guns and his moneypile and everything. Guh. He’s just so cute, I want to die.

Check out the original definition here!

Thanks to Chris Fernandez for the illustration. Ladies and gentlemen, if this guy were any more talented, we’d drive him toward self-destruction. Because he’s great and we’re awful and can’t have anything nice.

<3 Fernando

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Noun

Apocalapse: (n.)

When cataclysm fails to live up to prophecy.

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It’s been a rough summer.

Ebola outbreaks, beheadings, ISIS invading Syrian towns and killing people, yet another US military intervention in the Middle East, Ferguson, Russia, Crimea, the continued tensions in Ukraine, the shooting down of that passenger plane… Robin Williams’ suicide.

It’s easy to look at these things and think the world is falling apart. That is, until you look back at history and remember that 100 years ago WWI was ripping Europe apart, people were dying by the tens of thousands, massive epidemics were poised to decimate, and the whole of the world was tuning up for the bloody, suicidal carnival that would become the 20th century.

So it’s not that things are getting worse. It’s that they’ve always been a fucking nightmare.

 

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Adjective

Aquard: (adj.)

When a former president, infamous for illegally imprisoning and waterboarding detainees, has a bucket of water dumped on his head for charity.

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Here’s the thing, George.

Your administration was a little while ago now. And I’m not going to start making a fuss over how, in eight measly years, you and your cohort of shitty devils managed to break the entire goddamn world.

Sure, we’re still cleaning up your mess… and will most likely be doing so for the next, oh, I dunno, fifty years or so. But that’s okay. That was then. This is now. And one shouldn’t dwell on the past. This is now.

This is now.

You can paint your paintings and hold art shows in your library. I’m actually quite a fan of your work, albeit in an infantile, elbow macaroni self portrait kinda way.

I’m cool sharing the present with you. Because that was then. And this is now. And yes, now is a terrible, violent and so so scary disaster. But we can all deal with that. So long as you don’t bring up the past and remind us what now could have been.

So please, George. Tread lightly. For once in your life, bub… be mindful.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DepakUSDtQE

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Noun

Rubble Standard: (n.)

When you blow it up, it’s evil. When we blow it up, it’s collateral damage.

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Anyone else really tired of listening to corrupt, self-interested nations justify the wholesale bombing of… everything?

There isn’t a justification for any of this anymore.

Not really. Not when you actually think about it.

Because bombs don’t really distinguish factions or flags or to which unhappy fiction you pray. That’s the job of the guy who pulls the trigger. And when faced with that choice, our collective failure to make the right decision over and over and over and over and over again makes me so very sad sometimes.

Out with nations.

In with stars.

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